Over the past week, I've been torturing myself about N. In case you forgot, N is the guy that I met in SC that I actually really like. (How could you forget---half of my blogs have been based around him). N and I had a great little convo on Friday, started a countdown to when I would be returning to SC and he also told me he was bummed I would not be around for New Years Eve. Then, when I told him there was a way I could get back to celebrate with him, he informed me he might be going to NC for the holiday. Cool. That's the last time we really had an extensive conversation.
So, I had a few drinks on Saturday and decided to text him. No response til Sunday morning...cool N. Pretty sure that everything I said in that last text is irrelevant now but nice try. Called him on Sunday night though. No answer. No call back. It's Tuesday. This is when I started to panic. I started to slowly tell myself he was done talking to me. We were through. Kaput. Well, I looked down at my phone about an hour ago with a text that said.. "Are you still alive? It's been a crazy work week for me with no sleep. Don't be shy! Sorry I haven't been sociable." Don't be shy??? Are you still alive?? Actually, yes. I called you and never heard from you. Therefore I am not going to keep calling you until it's convenient for you to pick up. Ugh.
One thing I know about myself. I need two important a words in a relationship: attention and affection. N obviously is busy with work and other things in his life and it really seems like he can't devote those two a words to me right now. So why did I respond? Why did I answer with...no problem...it's fine! Why don't you just walk all over me while you are at it???
Why do I have no will power? Should have I just ignored him? We aren't officially dating so am I even allowed to feel this way? Why are there so many unwritten rules about how we are supposed to feel in certain situations? I feel like it's bullshit he hasn't made the effort to have a conversation with me since Friday. Some people would call this dramatic but it's the way I feel. If more often than not, he is making me feel this way (I don't think it's intentional but I still feel it), why do I even bother continuing to talk to him??
I'll tell you why. That nagging thought in the back of my head is telling me that he would change if we were in a relationship. That it's just the beginning phases and if things got more serious he wouldn't act this way. In my head I think some switch is going to flip and he is going to turn into the guy that will give me the attention and affection I need.
When do we give up on those changes happening? How long is too long? When do we say "enough is enough"? Obviously I'm not ready to give up on N yet. I'm still feeling the situation out and probably am over analyzing too much for my own good.
Will be staring at my phone waiting for a call til tomorrow night.
Feeling slightly pathetic,
C
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