I have a million things on my mind that are ACTUALLY important. These things include cover letters, resume updating, summer internship search, completing a project for my sorority, and so on. The only thing I can think about is the fact that my ex boyfriend is having a child. A giant, screaming baby is spinning around my head in circles.
Here is some background on this situation. Like T, I also have an ex boyfriend from high school that I was hopelessly and madly in love with. S and I started dating when I was 15 and a sophomore in high school. When we first started talking, he had a serious girlfriend of two years. Immediate red flag, I know, but I was fifteen. He passed me notes inbetween class and texted me constantly about how amazing he thought I was. This is now what we call the "SZ" syndrome which can be defined as when a guy needs constant attention and is communicating with you obsessively, not about relevant things but complimenting you to an excessive point. Basically it means that hes not secure enough with himself to have a normal relationship. This also means that if he is doing this to you, he is probably doing it to about a million other girls at the same time. The SZ syndrome means he acts confident but has very low self esteem and quite possibly, dad issues.
Anyways, S broke up with his girlfriend, and we started dating immediately. To me, this was romantic and meant that he really really cared about me and honestly I think he did. This, however, was a foreshadow of what was coming down the road.
That year, he swept me off my feet at his senior prom (he was two years older than me) and told me he loved me. We were inseparable for the next two years. There wasn't a day that went by that S didn't tell me I was beautiful and how hopelessly in love with me he was. He brought me flowers for no reason and made me feel like the most special girl in the world. Not only was he a romancer, we also had a lot of fun together. He was my best friend. We played flag football with his friends, went on road trips, and amusement parks together. We made everyone around us sick because we were so in love and not afraid to show it. I really thought we would last forever. It honestly was a great two years.
Then the unthinkable happened. S cheated on me. I found out through myspace (good old social media) and was absolutely devastated. Not just a "I got drunk at a party and made out with someone" cheated on me. He was basically dating someone else behind my back for a solid month. It was like deja vu of when we started dating, but the shoe was on the other foot. S begged me for me to forgive him and give him a second try. As much as I wanted to, there was no way I could ever get over the betrayal and hurt that I felt. We would never be the same again.
Two months later S was dating another girl.
Who he is now married to.
And who is now having his child.
The funny thing about this is that a few months ago, I heard from S for the first time in years through Facebook. (damn, social media makes it so easy to cheat). He messaged me and asked how I was doing, normal conversation stuff at first. Then, shit got weird. He started asking sexual questions, told me he regrets that we never had sex, and asked me if I wanted to meet up. Appalled, I said no and defriended him on facebook. Now not only is he married, but he is having a child. S has been out of my life for 5 years now, but it still doesn't make it any easier to know that he is starting a family, everything that I hope for someday, and I am not. I feel bad for his wife because I know in my heart that his cheating ways will never stop and now I have another person to feel sorry for, this innocent human being brought into the world.
The thing that bothers me most....is that it still bothers me. I brush it off by telling myself that S was my first love and he will always have a place in my heart and blah, blah, blah. But it's true. He was my first love,and I honestly have not felt the same way about anyone since and maybe I won't feel that way again. Does the innocence of the first love make it hard to compare how a "real" relationship should be? Is it even fair to compare a high school relationship with one now? I'm gonna go with no. I think all the corny sayings and quotes are right about this one. The memories of a first love will never fade away. It's a first time feeling and one that can not be replaced. All we can do is the cherish the memories and move on.
I still feel super awkward and weird that my compulsive liar and cheater ex boyfriend is having a child. #Ew
Looking forward,
-C
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