I will be the first one to admit that being in your 20s is pretty challenging.
Ok....who am I kidding? IT SUCKS! Well...most of the time. There are a few advantages for sure. We are young, beautiful, wild, free, and quite frankly can be as selfish as we want. The coolest thing about being in your 20s is the space and time to think about yourself, your growth, and your development. I know I'm getting a little psychologist on all of your asses right now, but it's true. This is the one chance we have at finding out who we are, what we want, but most importantly what we NEED.
I've been taking a lot of time to think about ME. Just me myself and I. Not the me who who is tied to any relationships and the issues that came out of them, but just plain old me. I basically pyschoanalyzed the shit out of myself and this is what I found........
I have played it safe in relationships. Every single one of them. If I look back on my ex boyfriends and guys that I have pursued in the past, they all have one common theme. They didn't challenge me. Challenge might be a bad word. They didn't INSPIRE me, MOTIVATE me, PUSH me. They all were challengING, pushed me AWAY but they just didn't bring out the best in me.
My parents, family members, and friends have always told me the same sh-peel over and over again. They have kept telling me that I need someone motivated with big dreams. I've heard this so many times that I just go to the point where I would nod my head and agree because deep down I knew this was what I needed to but I wasn't quite sure what that meant.
All the men I've dated in the past have been "safe" or at least I thought they were when I entered into the relationship. There are differences in all of them but they all have this one common "safe" theme. For example, my most recent ex. (ps. it's been over a month since we stopped talking!!) was content with his place in life. I vividly remember him calling me out one night about my motivation for beginning our relationship. He told me that I started dating him because I thought he was a safe bet. He was absolutely right. When we first started dating, he was infatuated with me, hung on my every word, revolved his life around me, blah blah blah. Turns out though, he wasn't a safe choice. He had a little of issues that he took out on me and ended up emotionally and mentally wearing me down. My safety net backfired in my face.
I'm passionate about helping people. Looking back, I've chosen to date guys that I needed to help but who weren't going to challenge me in any way. My self esteem level has never been high enough to go after those extremely motivated men who are leaders, have passions, goals, care about life. Those guys have always intimadated me so I've played it safe.....and ended up sorry.
This realization has inspired me to dig deep and figure out what's been missing in my past. I've come up with two main things:
INSPIRATION-- It's just like the Fabulous song "We're a force when we're together. Baby I'm good all by myself but baby you make me better" I really can't sum it up any better than that. I want to be inspired by someone so I can strive to be a better person everyday and I want to do the same for them.
PASSION--I'm not talking about hot sex, even though that's pretty essential too. I need someone who passionate about LIFE. Passionate about what they do, their family, their friends. I want someone who is genuinely happy to be alive and that can share my enthusiasm and positivity about the world.
Maybe these things seem like common sense. Maybe they should be common sense, and for a long time I thought they were, but up until now those things were just words and not a reality. I know that there are people in the world that are like this....like me. Now it's my job to set the bar high.
No more playing on the safe side,
C
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
"I'm too busy"
I just read an article about the "hook up culture" in today's society, especially on college campuses and among us "twenty-somethings." This article struck a chord in me that I can't explain--everything in this article I saw reflected in myself. The main thing that stuck out to me was the fact that women in their 20s always say they are "too busy." Too busy doing their independent thing to go out on a date with a dude.....to commit to more than a one night stand.
I use this excuse all the time.
I'm too busy with school, my job, hanging out with my friends, the gym, meetings, my volunteer roles, work out classes, cleaning, going to the grocery store. You name it and I have probably used it as an excuse to not get involved with someone
Why as 20-something women do we feel so threatened by a relationship? Here is what I mean by this: as women in our 20's we are PETRIFIED that some man is going to get in the way of our independence, our freedom, our friendships, our career goals. I think we are all scared that being in a relationship will make us weak. This is only my first guess though. I think the other thing is that we are scared of being hurt...which also goes along with scared of being dependent.
I totally contradict myself about this all the time. I know how bad I want a relationship and someone to share my life with but when the opportunity comes, I RUN....no SPRINT the other way. I've gotten so used to being on my own that being attached to someone is even more terrifying than being lonely.
It all comes down to BALANCE. Why does it always have to be one or the other? You can have a career, friends, goals, family, and a significant other. I think it really is possible to have the best of ALL worlds.
Next time.....I'll make time,
C
I use this excuse all the time.
I'm too busy with school, my job, hanging out with my friends, the gym, meetings, my volunteer roles, work out classes, cleaning, going to the grocery store. You name it and I have probably used it as an excuse to not get involved with someone
Why as 20-something women do we feel so threatened by a relationship? Here is what I mean by this: as women in our 20's we are PETRIFIED that some man is going to get in the way of our independence, our freedom, our friendships, our career goals. I think we are all scared that being in a relationship will make us weak. This is only my first guess though. I think the other thing is that we are scared of being hurt...which also goes along with scared of being dependent.
I totally contradict myself about this all the time. I know how bad I want a relationship and someone to share my life with but when the opportunity comes, I RUN....no SPRINT the other way. I've gotten so used to being on my own that being attached to someone is even more terrifying than being lonely.
It all comes down to BALANCE. Why does it always have to be one or the other? You can have a career, friends, goals, family, and a significant other. I think it really is possible to have the best of ALL worlds.
Next time.....I'll make time,
C
Monday, September 3, 2012
"Love when you are ready, not when you're lonely"
When I saw the quote that I used for the title of this blog, "love when you are ready, not when you're lonely," a light bulb went off in my head. I was scrolling through pinterest (solid Saturday night of a single girl) & the quote just hit me like a ton of bricks. The two phrases separately could have had enough of an impact, but together. Whoa.
Let's start with the second part of this quote....."not when you're lonely." I realized that a lot of people, me included, jump into relationships that don't feel right because of loneliness. It's not a hard thing to do. Being in a relationship provides security; it's a comforting feeling to have someone to share your life with: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
However, being lonely is not the right reason to jump into something. We are all in love with being in love. I can fully admit to that. I want it SO BAD--so bad that sometimes I end up forcing myself to make a relationship work with someone who is not right for me at all. When I say sometimes, I am referring to this one time......aka my most recent ex boyfriend. The last post that I wrote was about him, and I swore that I was done. That was in June. It's now September 3, and we just cut things off completely a week ago.
I realized why I kept going back to him....comfort & loneliness were at the top of the list.
...............BUT it turns out, I was more lonely when we were communicating than I was when I was by myself. Deep down, I knew it wasn't going to work, so I felt even more empty trying to force something instead of just being happy with my life minus a significant other.
This really ties into my favorite part of the quote "love when you're ready...."
My friend "E" and I had a heart to heart today while taking a walk about how our 20s are a time of transition. We have friends settling down, getting married, moving to different cities, and our friendships and things we have become comfortable with our entire lives have shifted. Yes, relationships are a very important part of life, but the most important relationship you can have is with yourself. I can look at facebook all day long and get depressed about high school aquaintances that are getting engaged (the new "look who just got engaged side bar doesn't help that.....cool Mark Zuckenberg) BUT in the end I need to be happy with my life, myself, and the choices that I have made and continue to make in order for me to be happy.
At the end of the day, that's how you know you are ready for love. .....when you are okay, actually more than okay being by yourself. When you are happy with your choices, your friendships, your education, your career, when you can look in the mirror, and be confident about who you are as a human being, when you are confident that you want to share your life with someone--someone you genuinely want there because they make you a better person, not because they make it easier to sleep at night, that's when you know you are ready for love.....
Working on being ready,
C
Let's start with the second part of this quote....."not when you're lonely." I realized that a lot of people, me included, jump into relationships that don't feel right because of loneliness. It's not a hard thing to do. Being in a relationship provides security; it's a comforting feeling to have someone to share your life with: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
However, being lonely is not the right reason to jump into something. We are all in love with being in love. I can fully admit to that. I want it SO BAD--so bad that sometimes I end up forcing myself to make a relationship work with someone who is not right for me at all. When I say sometimes, I am referring to this one time......aka my most recent ex boyfriend. The last post that I wrote was about him, and I swore that I was done. That was in June. It's now September 3, and we just cut things off completely a week ago.
I realized why I kept going back to him....comfort & loneliness were at the top of the list.
...............BUT it turns out, I was more lonely when we were communicating than I was when I was by myself. Deep down, I knew it wasn't going to work, so I felt even more empty trying to force something instead of just being happy with my life minus a significant other.
This really ties into my favorite part of the quote "love when you're ready...."
My friend "E" and I had a heart to heart today while taking a walk about how our 20s are a time of transition. We have friends settling down, getting married, moving to different cities, and our friendships and things we have become comfortable with our entire lives have shifted. Yes, relationships are a very important part of life, but the most important relationship you can have is with yourself. I can look at facebook all day long and get depressed about high school aquaintances that are getting engaged (the new "look who just got engaged side bar doesn't help that.....cool Mark Zuckenberg) BUT in the end I need to be happy with my life, myself, and the choices that I have made and continue to make in order for me to be happy.
At the end of the day, that's how you know you are ready for love. .....when you are okay, actually more than okay being by yourself. When you are happy with your choices, your friendships, your education, your career, when you can look in the mirror, and be confident about who you are as a human being, when you are confident that you want to share your life with someone--someone you genuinely want there because they make you a better person, not because they make it easier to sleep at night, that's when you know you are ready for love.....
Working on being ready,
C
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