Not to start off this blog complaining or anything, but I've had a really really really crappy day. Everything just felt off and I'm not sure why. I took everything way too personal and had this paranoid feeling that everyone hated me.
I also almost got hit by a car and got in a screaming match with this huge lady in the middle of the road, but that's just a sidenote to this glorious day.
In my depressing state, I started thinking about my most recent ex. I've avoided blogging about him for a reason and it's because I honestly don't think I have the emotional energy to even think about that relationship anymore. Long story short, we dated for two and a half years. During the first year, he lied about being in school. Made up a fake GPA and everything. Clever douche bag huh? Well, I forgave him. Then, our relationship really turned to shit. Obviously everyone in my life hated him for basically living a fake life for the year we were dating and lying to all of their faces. However, I still stayed with him and fought for him.
It really took a turn for the worst and started classifying as a "relationshit" instead of relationship when we tried to put the pieces back together. His life kept spiraling downward and I was trying to hold him above water for dear life. He thanked me by packing his things and moving 23 hours away to Kansas (sorry to all the readers from this state in the heartland but I now have a personal vendetta against it). The kicker is he didn't say goodbye. Stopped answering his phone and left.
When he called me two months later, I forgave him again.
Then I went to Kansas to visit him in May.
As I'm typing all of this out I'm beginning to see how awful it all really sounds.
So to wrap it up, we tried the long distance thing and in August when I moved to South Carolina we decided to call it quits. (I actually decided it this time---took me long enough). I wanted to meet new people and the relationship was going nowhere. He didn't want to put in the effort to make it work and honestly I was tired of fighting for someone who wasn't going to do the same for me.
That being said, we had a month or two apart and recently began keeping in touch more frequently as "friends." This turned into drunken "I love you's" and awkward phone conversations. When I met N though I cut it off again, stopped answering him, and really started to move on. During the holidays, of course, he started to call and text again. I've been very short, rarely answering, and if I did it was a one word answer.
We had a really awkward conversation this weekend and I realized that we just shouldn't talk. (LIGHT BULB FINALLY GOES OFF). I know you are all sitting at your computer thinking....wowwww what a dumbass please tell me this is a joke or a script from a soap opera. Nope. This is my life.
So today, I called him to tell him that even though I obviously care about him as a person, it would be best if we cut the small talk because honestly it just does nothing for either of us.
I don't get a call back. I get a text saying: "This is never going to work and I don't know what to do about it."
Ummmmm. I called him immediately. The conversation went like this:
Me: You couldn't call me and tell me that?
Ex: I know I'm immature....I'm sorry
Me: Honestly, I don't know what you are referring to when you say I don't know if "this" could ever work because right now there is no "this" or no "us" It's better if we don't talk
Ex: You're right. Take care of yourself (soooo dramatic. get over yourself)
Me: Yeah okay. Bye.
REALLY???? It's like a light bulb in his head went off and he KNEW it was coming so he had to do it first. Awesome. I'm not upset that we won't be speaking anymore because it's honestly about time. The "how are you" "good how are you" "good" text exchange every 3 days really just does no one any good. I'm just pissed that he acts like this was all his idea.
I actually broke up with you in August. Have been seeing other guys. And have been avoiding you. Boom.
It shouldn't matter who gets the last word, but it still bothers me for some reason.
The point of this story is that why can't we just walk away from someone when we know that they aren't what we want???? Reading this short version of our relationships there were plenty of red flags (so many more that I didn't mention). I should have walked away so many times and acknowledged that even though I cared about him as a person, he wasn't right for me. Instead, I tried to change him into something he would never be.
It shouldn't take multiple series of TRAUMATIC events for you to realize that someone isn't right for you. If you are trying to force something right now, stop. It's just going to get harder to break it off the deeper you get. If you are working so hard to keep a relationship alive, it probably isn't worth resuscitating. A relationship shouldn't seem like work 90% of the time. It should mostly come naturally. People don't change. No one is perfect, but sometimes there are things that people do or a way they act that can't be reversed and that will change your relationship forever.
So instead of trying to put the broken pieces back together, you need to sweep them up, gently throw them away, and replace the pieces with something whole, something better.
Starting fresh,
C
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