On the Hook

I watched an episode of "How I Met Your Mother" the other day. It was talking about something that I find to be so true: we all find those people that don't make us sick, but we don't like them either. We stick with them as a distraction, but we are constantly waiting for someone else. It's scary because how do you know exactly when you're on the hook, or when someone is really into you?

Perfect example:

My ex and I broke up on New Years. The next weekend there was a hot guy at the bar, he bought me a drink, he asked for my number, and he took me on real dates (i nicknamed him the foot...because his head was shaped like one). Yeah, he was cute & nice, but something about it wasn't right. I totally had him on the hook. A week before V-day, he took me to dinner and brought me roses. I still had him on the hook. MY ex called, I dropped him asap, and it was over.

A week later...he's back with his ex (for like 5 days...then he was texting me again...bye). I can't help but wonder...even though he initated everything, was this his way of getting over his ex and having me on the hook too?

Then, I was a dumbass, and I fell for the ex again. This is the LAST time I will talk about him. He doesn't want to deal with a relationship, and after lying to me and saying that he did, he realized life is easier to not deeply care about anyone or anything. So, we are done...again. After thinking for about 2 weeks about this, I can't help but wonder: has he had me on the hook the entire time?

He rarely expressed his love for me. When things were "good," he would tell me how perfect I was. When I would do what he wanted to do, he loved me. When something in my life went wrong, he was no where to be found. Ever. Whenver I think about him now, it angers me at how much he wasn't there. I would reach for more affection, and he would pull further away...this literally drove me crazy.

I've finally come to the conclusion that he has never fully loved me. You can't love someone fully when their pain does not pain you. When you run away and forget, you're not loving, you're being a selfish waste. I think that people need to learn how to lose many selfish qualities before they can love someone. Maybe I wasn't on the hook, but I was not loved to what I deserve.

Once you accept that you're either in a relationship with a selfish person or when you realize you're on the hook, it's so much easier to get over.

Tonight, I let all of my hooks go...why would I want to do this to someone when I know how wrong it is? And a few days ago, I let go of my ex, again. I've done this before and realized once again, there was never any love. It's so much easier to let something go when you realize what a loser someone is. If you're in one of these situations, look at the whole of it. Who is in the better life situation? It's probably you. Things are accepted much easier when you see them for what they are.

My ex "deals" with problems by pushing them away until they're staring him in the face. MY fault is pushing and trying to deal with them right away. From now on...new tactic:

BLOCK THAT SHIT OUT. When you think about them, block them out. If they don't want you, why should you want them? In my situation, I hate to give up on love because I want to save every last good feeling. Unfortunately, love is a lot of people's lower priorities, and they are their first. These fuck heads will never have a good relationship until they fully learn how to deal with a thing called life.

This was my last thinking opportunity before my new block out. I've been doing great so far, and then I started to get angry. Back to block out.

Crazy weekend planned...stories to come :)



T