Over the last couple of days, I realized why people (men) usually walk all over me. I completely overuse that simple saying, "It's fine." Or how about this one, "No problem!" Or...."Don't worry about it."
I haven't analyzed the failed relationship with N in awhile and when one of my best friends (MPG) called me to get advice about boy drama , it all became more clear. MPG just started talking to this guy who she really really likes and he really really likes her to. The other night they were supposed to hang out after she got off work. When she called him when she got home, he told her he had actually gone out with some of his guy friends instead. She called me in a panic. What do I do? Do I say "it's fine?"
She kept saying over and over how she didn't want to seem crazy, possessive of psycho. I hate how these are always concerns of ours. Guys really use this crazy girl thing to their advantage.
So, my advice to her was...DO NOT SAY ITS FINE. Being a tad annoyed and saying that its NOT FINE is not crazy. If she showed up at the bar to yell at him crying and screaming, I would say she was crazy. Not letting someone walk all over you = not crazy.
When I was giving her this advice I had a flash back to all the times N ditched me, didn't call me back, or was late. I heard myself saying over and over again (in an obnoxiously cheerful voice)..."it's completely fine!" No problem!!!
BULLSHIT!!!
As soon as I would get off the phone with him, I'd call and bitch to about 20 of my friends, telling them what a douche bag he was. So obviously, it wasn't fine.
I let him walk all over me. I let him get away with things and was FINE with it. So no wonder he kept doing it...
When I talked to T about this, I had one concern. How do you convey the message of it not being fine without being deemed a psycho.
She came up with a really good response. "Oh ok...that sucks I was looking forward to seeing you tonight." Or "I wish you would have told me sooner because all my friends just left to go to dinner" Or just an "OK" would work.
You don't have to be bitchy, but let them know it's NOT FINE. If you keep giving them reinforcement that what they are doing makes you happy and works for you, they are going to keep doing it. Then they are going to wonder why all of a sudden you FREAK OUT (because you know it will happen eventually).
So there you have it. Stand up for yourself and get what you want.
You deserve it,
C
This is absolutely true! When I first started dating my ex, he was really attentive and always remembered to call or text me during the day. Then when he would forget or needed to cancel plans we had had for awhile or when he showed up 2 hours late to my house after I had cooked him dinner, I would just go along with it and tell him, "It's fine!" or "No problem!" and eventually he would quit calling to even bother canceling plans or not give me any explanation about why he was late or quit calling me at all. And why? Because early in the relationship I gave him the idea that it was completely fine to walk all over me like this, so when I eventually snapped and went off on him about it all, he told me I was being crazy and obsessive and broke up with me! Guys aren't stupid-they know just how and when to use the "psycho girlfriend card." There's psycho behavior and then there's standing up for yourself! Train him right in the beginning, and these problems won't occur! Great post!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you liked the post! The same thing happened to me. N eventually just stopped talking to me all together---with no explanation. It's so important to have a backbone--guys will respect it!
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