In a Rut

I miss the innocence of high school. I miss doing something without thinking twice, having relationships and not caring about anything else, hanging out with friends after school doing nothing but just talking or driving around or walking down their street after dark.

I miss the first time for everything. I miss the way that I used to feel in the summer. Buying Seventeen magazine, painting my nails bright blue on R's bathroom floor, going bathing suit shopping like it was the most exciting thing in the world. Going to the beach with the main purpose of finding "older" boys (17) when we were 15 and sneaking into their lazy river after our parents went to bed. Tormenting our older/younger siblings, sneaking out after dark just to see someone that I missed because I hadn't seen them in an hour.

I miss my first Valentine's day with someone, my first sleepover, my first time at a party. I miss climbing out on my roof at my old house and looking at the stars and talking about life-

In a way, I feel like my life was way more together back then than it is now. I had my best friends. We never had fights, we didn't have drama, we just had each other (thankfully, I still have those people). I felt more secure in my relationships with everyone back then than I do now (not just romantically).

Real life sucks. I want to go back to that point in my life, but I want to move forward too... I feel like I'm stuck in time. I see the people at work who are only a few years older than me having a family and going home to their husbands. I'm not ready for that yet, but I know that since I can't go back, I'm ready for the next step. The problem is not knowing what that is.

I don't know why things in my life seem to be so complicated for me, but the same things are so easy for other people. I'm making it my goal to focus on my career and move out into my own apartment (not college-like) this summer. I've never wanted to move out alone, but this doesn't seem to be working for me anymore either. Hopefully, things will fall into place.


T