Unfortunately over the past few months, I have been communicating with my ex.
If you need a refresher about our F-ed up relationship, read this previous blog: Click Here
I know it's a horrible idea to talk to him, yet I continue to do it anyway. I don't know if it's boredom or if I'm still holding out that I can be the one to "change" him. That after all we've been through he will wake up one day and become a different person, the person I need him to be in order to be happy.
Well, that's not going to happen. I know this deep down in my heart, but I just havene't been strong enough to cut off ties. Every time I do, a few months after the fact he reaches out and professes his love and I am sucked back in.
He also lives in the mid west, about 23 hours away from me. I have not seen him in a year, so it's not like I can get sex out of this relationship. It honestly has no benefits.
Besides all of the horrific things he has done to me in the past, today I realized the ultimate reason that we will never work out I drove past his old house today and got sentimental thinking about the summer we had together 3 years ago and how amazing it was. I texted him how I felt in a very sweet way and told him that I hope we can spend a summer together again somehow. (I know, I know. I'm a stupid girl).
His response to this sweet text: "How will that happen?"
Me: I don't know...I just thought that was what you wanted.
Him: Only if you move here.
I didn't respond. Quite honestly, I don't even know how to begin to respond to that. He is the most selfish person I have ever met and there is no way that I will ever come first in his life. There will always be something or someone that he will put before me. If there was a legitimate reason that he needed to stay in the area he is living in now, like a great job for instance, I would consider making the move. He is making 10 dollars an hour doing part time work for his dad's company. I'm sorry, but this does not consitutute as a good enough reason for me to move halfway across the country to a state that does not have that many jobs in my field of interest. I am a year away from getting my masters and getting a good job, but that doesn't matter to him.
At this point, I know that this is my fault because I know how he is and I am still subjecting myself to talking to him. I also know that I need to stop and I feel fully confident that I am going to. There just comes a point where there's only so much you can take. When I think about the way he treats me, I am hurt, but I can't even bring myself to cry about it. That's when you know you have put up with too much.
In the end though, I can honestly say I know what I do need and want out of a relationship. I know the signs of a selfish person and know that I need someone who is wiling to compromise with me.
Honestly, I don't think that's too much to ask for.
Over it,
C
