We see it in the love movies all the time. Best friends go years without confessing their love to each other. It’s always bad timing. One person isn’t ready to fully commit, one person has a boyfriend, one person is focusing on their career. In the movies, in the midst of all this, when best friends confess their love to each other, it always works out magically.
The real life situations get a little messier. We all know that there is a dating code of ethics. If a guy has a girlfriend, he is off limits. End of story. We know how it feels to be the girl that gets cheated on, so we never want to do that to another person. But does this code of ethics get blurry in the name of love?
My friend E and I were talking about boys and life in general when she mentioned a current predicament that she is in. She has a best friend from high school who she always kind of had “a thing” for. They hooked up a few times throughout college but it was always bad timing. One of them was always dating someone else so it never quite worked out. They always had a connection though and something always brought them back together. E just got out of a serious relationship a few months ago and reached out to see how her friend was doing. They started texting a little bit right before she headed home for Christmas break. Turns out….he got engaged over the holiday. Of course this was devastating for E because he was that one person that in the back of her mind she could see herself ending up with.
So, while they were texting one day she called him out on it. She asked him how the wedding planning was going and he replied with, “it’s good….not until next May…so I have time” E & I were trying to figure out what this means? He has time for what…to pick a good cake? Throw a good bachelor party? Or screw around with mad girls before he ties the knot??
When explaining the situation, E told me she doesn’t think that this guy is happy in his relationship. There is a lot of family pressure to marry into money and he has been living with this girl for awhile. Obviously, the next step is marriage. One thing to ponder though: is E making assumptions because she doesn’t want to believe he is truly happy? Or is he hinting around that there was pressure and he really isn’t satisfied in the relationship?
Which brings me to the next point; E knows that he is engaged. He has made a commitment to another individual so she wants to respect that. However, if she never says anything before he is married, it really is too late at that point. Is it valid to completely throw away the “Dating Code of Ethics” and just go with your heart? I don’t think that it’s going to be exactly like the movies I mentioned earlier where the soon to be married guy leaves his fiance effortlessly and everyone lives happily ever after. Life is messier than that. I do think that you do need to follow your heart though. It makes me think of Taylor Swift’s song, “Speak Now.” Yes, engagement should mean something. It’s a commitment. BUT, my personal advice to E would be, say how you feel, and then you know you have no regrets. He may shoot her down and tell her he is completely happy with his wife to be. He may express interest in her but not be a man enough to break it off. He may realize he is unhappy and they could ride into the beautiful sunset together.
The thing is, she’ll never know unless she says something about it. Live your life so that you don’t have to look back and wonder what would have happened if you did something differently. There is a difference between being respectful of a relationship and following your heart.
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you,
C
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
In a Rut
I miss the innocence of high school. I miss doing something without thinking twice, having relationships and not caring about anything else, hanging out with friends after school doing nothing but just talking or driving around or walking down their street after dark.
I miss the first time for everything. I miss the way that I used to feel in the summer. Buying Seventeen magazine, painting my nails bright blue on R's bathroom floor, going bathing suit shopping like it was the most exciting thing in the world. Going to the beach with the main purpose of finding "older" boys (17) when we were 15 and sneaking into their lazy river after our parents went to bed. Tormenting our older/younger siblings, sneaking out after dark just to see someone that I missed because I hadn't seen them in an hour.
I miss my first Valentine's day with someone, my first sleepover, my first time at a party. I miss climbing out on my roof at my old house and looking at the stars and talking about life-
In a way, I feel like my life was way more together back then than it is now. I had my best friends. We never had fights, we didn't have drama, we just had each other (thankfully, I still have those people). I felt more secure in my relationships with everyone back then than I do now (not just romantically).
Real life sucks. I want to go back to that point in my life, but I want to move forward too... I feel like I'm stuck in time. I see the people at work who are only a few years older than me having a family and going home to their husbands. I'm not ready for that yet, but I know that since I can't go back, I'm ready for the next step. The problem is not knowing what that is.
I don't know why things in my life seem to be so complicated for me, but the same things are so easy for other people. I'm making it my goal to focus on my career and move out into my own apartment (not college-like) this summer. I've never wanted to move out alone, but this doesn't seem to be working for me anymore either. Hopefully, things will fall into place.
T
I miss the first time for everything. I miss the way that I used to feel in the summer. Buying Seventeen magazine, painting my nails bright blue on R's bathroom floor, going bathing suit shopping like it was the most exciting thing in the world. Going to the beach with the main purpose of finding "older" boys (17) when we were 15 and sneaking into their lazy river after our parents went to bed. Tormenting our older/younger siblings, sneaking out after dark just to see someone that I missed because I hadn't seen them in an hour.
I miss my first Valentine's day with someone, my first sleepover, my first time at a party. I miss climbing out on my roof at my old house and looking at the stars and talking about life-
In a way, I feel like my life was way more together back then than it is now. I had my best friends. We never had fights, we didn't have drama, we just had each other (thankfully, I still have those people). I felt more secure in my relationships with everyone back then than I do now (not just romantically).
Real life sucks. I want to go back to that point in my life, but I want to move forward too... I feel like I'm stuck in time. I see the people at work who are only a few years older than me having a family and going home to their husbands. I'm not ready for that yet, but I know that since I can't go back, I'm ready for the next step. The problem is not knowing what that is.
I don't know why things in my life seem to be so complicated for me, but the same things are so easy for other people. I'm making it my goal to focus on my career and move out into my own apartment (not college-like) this summer. I've never wanted to move out alone, but this doesn't seem to be working for me anymore either. Hopefully, things will fall into place.
T
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Stage 5 Clinger: Crazy Bitch Style
...we all know her. Maybe some of us are a crazy bitch in a way. But this...this is a specific kind of a crazy girl.
It's the girl who isn't happy with herself and her own life. In return, she tries to capture you and mold you into what she wants you to be. I met this crazy fucking bitch at work, unfortunately. Seemed normal at first. Best buds for a few days, and then it started.
An innocent happy hour. I'm trying to be professional, but she's throwing out the f bomb and telling me how her current husband cheated on her in college and blah blah....so I made the mistake of getting too close.
Told her about parts of my crazy past, and then told her part of my current interest-nothing too personal, just a shortened version- she went from nice to crazy bitch in .2 seconds. This girl told me that she doesn't think it's in my best interest to continue living my life this way.
Seriously.
And then she proceded to talk about everyone else at the happy hour who she was previously best buds with. And I already have 3 texts from her today. Stage 5 clinger, crazy bitch style.
The hardest part of starting a new job is trying to figure out who you fit in with. Everyone is either 50+ or married, and now I've become best friends with the puppet master.
It's girls like this who make us all look bad. Why can't life just be drama free? Why can't I just have a perfect body and a perfect husband and a huge mansion? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
T
It's the girl who isn't happy with herself and her own life. In return, she tries to capture you and mold you into what she wants you to be. I met this crazy fucking bitch at work, unfortunately. Seemed normal at first. Best buds for a few days, and then it started.
An innocent happy hour. I'm trying to be professional, but she's throwing out the f bomb and telling me how her current husband cheated on her in college and blah blah....so I made the mistake of getting too close.
Told her about parts of my crazy past, and then told her part of my current interest-nothing too personal, just a shortened version- she went from nice to crazy bitch in .2 seconds. This girl told me that she doesn't think it's in my best interest to continue living my life this way.
Seriously.
And then she proceded to talk about everyone else at the happy hour who she was previously best buds with. And I already have 3 texts from her today. Stage 5 clinger, crazy bitch style.
The hardest part of starting a new job is trying to figure out who you fit in with. Everyone is either 50+ or married, and now I've become best friends with the puppet master.
It's girls like this who make us all look bad. Why can't life just be drama free? Why can't I just have a perfect body and a perfect husband and a huge mansion? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
T
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
I Do Not Hook Up....anymore
Tonight I made a vow to my roommate. Nope, I didn't turn lesbian last minute & decide to get hitched to her. I made a vow to her that I will not have sex with a man until I am in a committed relationship with him. I specifically announced this to her because I need someone to hold me accountable to this goal.
I have a few reasons for this new proclamation:
-I get way too emotionally attached to people WITHOUT having sex. As soon as we get to that level, it gets even worse. I need to protect my own heart.
-The really hot married man I met at the bar a few weekends ago told me that his wife won him over because she wouldn't have sex with him...for months...until they were officially dating. This made him respect & want to commit to her..or so he says? But hey, she's got the ring so I'll buy it.
-There's a fine line between hooking up and dating. At this point, I'm over casual hooking up. I went to college...been there, done that. I feel if you have sex with someone too early you are just opening the door for it to be a hook up situation instead of a dating situation.
- I don't have anyone to have sex with so it should be pretty easy?
These are all very good reasons....but then I start to second guess myself. In Sex and the City, Carrie specifically states that it's normal to sleep with a guy after three dates. Am I reading too much into a TV show? Maybe that's how it works in NYC or even when you're older. However, in your 20's and in our generation, I think the culture of hooking up has exploded. My personal stance remains the same that if you give it up too early, it can definitely become "just a hook up."
Here's a little theme song for the blog tonight
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AaafMpqXXBs&ob=av3e
Whoaaa I do not hook uppppp.....as of tonight,
C
I have a few reasons for this new proclamation:
-I get way too emotionally attached to people WITHOUT having sex. As soon as we get to that level, it gets even worse. I need to protect my own heart.
-The really hot married man I met at the bar a few weekends ago told me that his wife won him over because she wouldn't have sex with him...for months...until they were officially dating. This made him respect & want to commit to her..or so he says? But hey, she's got the ring so I'll buy it.
-There's a fine line between hooking up and dating. At this point, I'm over casual hooking up. I went to college...been there, done that. I feel if you have sex with someone too early you are just opening the door for it to be a hook up situation instead of a dating situation.
- I don't have anyone to have sex with so it should be pretty easy?
These are all very good reasons....but then I start to second guess myself. In Sex and the City, Carrie specifically states that it's normal to sleep with a guy after three dates. Am I reading too much into a TV show? Maybe that's how it works in NYC or even when you're older. However, in your 20's and in our generation, I think the culture of hooking up has exploded. My personal stance remains the same that if you give it up too early, it can definitely become "just a hook up."
Here's a little theme song for the blog tonight
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AaafMpqXXBs&ob=av3e
Whoaaa I do not hook uppppp.....as of tonight,
C
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Why Do Women Cheat?
After searching the internet a few nights ago for something completely unrelated, an article about cheating caught my eye:
http://women.webmd.com/features/why-do-women-cheat
This website explains some of the reasons why men and women cheat. Men, of course, cheat more for a sexual thrill while women cheat or have affairs for an emotional connection.
I always wonder why men and women are made up so differently. I tried to explain this to a guy the other day- pay attention to me, text me, let me know when you're thinking of me. He just didn't understand this concept. He doesn't need the emotional connection that I do, and therefore, it puts a strain on both of us.
We give stuff to men in order to make them happy- we watch their sports teams with them, give them advice, do things to show them that we care, but when it comes to things we think are so simple, why don't guys get us?
Showering me with attention will do way more for you than you think. A little effort to show me that I'm worth it shouldn't be that difficult, but it really is. Sometimes I wish I had a dude's brain for a day just to understand.
Although, sometimes, there is the complete opposite type of dude. The type that lets you know they care maybe a little too much. As long as it's not on the creepy level, I actually appreciate this. I just wonder what makes the difference.
Unfortunately, if a woman doesn't give a man enough sexual attention or validation in other areas (not all men are as douchey as the media makes them out to be), or if he actually is just a douche bag, that's what will make him stray.
But aren't we told not to fall to those standards? That he will respect us more? There are way too many questions on this topic.
Bottom line: show me you care, respect me, and I will do the same thing back to you. That connection is what is important, and if I don't get it, I'm not happy.
Although that cheating article is just depressing.
T
http://women.webmd.com/features/why-do-women-cheat
This website explains some of the reasons why men and women cheat. Men, of course, cheat more for a sexual thrill while women cheat or have affairs for an emotional connection.
I always wonder why men and women are made up so differently. I tried to explain this to a guy the other day- pay attention to me, text me, let me know when you're thinking of me. He just didn't understand this concept. He doesn't need the emotional connection that I do, and therefore, it puts a strain on both of us.
We give stuff to men in order to make them happy- we watch their sports teams with them, give them advice, do things to show them that we care, but when it comes to things we think are so simple, why don't guys get us?
Showering me with attention will do way more for you than you think. A little effort to show me that I'm worth it shouldn't be that difficult, but it really is. Sometimes I wish I had a dude's brain for a day just to understand.
Although, sometimes, there is the complete opposite type of dude. The type that lets you know they care maybe a little too much. As long as it's not on the creepy level, I actually appreciate this. I just wonder what makes the difference.
Unfortunately, if a woman doesn't give a man enough sexual attention or validation in other areas (not all men are as douchey as the media makes them out to be), or if he actually is just a douche bag, that's what will make him stray.
But aren't we told not to fall to those standards? That he will respect us more? There are way too many questions on this topic.
Bottom line: show me you care, respect me, and I will do the same thing back to you. That connection is what is important, and if I don't get it, I'm not happy.
Although that cheating article is just depressing.
T
Monday, February 20, 2012
A Guy Like My Dad
Never thought I'd say it, but...
I want a dude like my dad.
Not completely like him. He doesn't talk too much, and he does things that drive me nuts (duh, he's my dad), and he has problems like every other person in the world, but damn, my dad is awesome.
Two Valentine's days ago, my dad brought my flowers to college because I was sad. He is constantly a caring person, and he just listened to me bitch about my life for a good 2 hours. And he said nothing until I was finished. And then he actually gave me advice!
He didn't just blow me off or say that everything will be fine. He actually cares. I need to start talking to my dad more often. He never judges my decisions, and when I call him he ALWAYS answers. Or calls right back.
He puts me first, and that's what I deserve. When people say, "you end up with a guy like your father," I used to freak out. Now it's not looking so bad.
My 3 day weekend is looking to be pretty productive.
T
I want a dude like my dad.
Not completely like him. He doesn't talk too much, and he does things that drive me nuts (duh, he's my dad), and he has problems like every other person in the world, but damn, my dad is awesome.
Two Valentine's days ago, my dad brought my flowers to college because I was sad. He is constantly a caring person, and he just listened to me bitch about my life for a good 2 hours. And he said nothing until I was finished. And then he actually gave me advice!
He didn't just blow me off or say that everything will be fine. He actually cares. I need to start talking to my dad more often. He never judges my decisions, and when I call him he ALWAYS answers. Or calls right back.
He puts me first, and that's what I deserve. When people say, "you end up with a guy like your father," I used to freak out. Now it's not looking so bad.
My 3 day weekend is looking to be pretty productive.
T
It's actually not fine.
Over the last couple of days, I realized why people (men) usually walk all over me. I completely overuse that simple saying, "It's fine." Or how about this one, "No problem!" Or...."Don't worry about it."
I haven't analyzed the failed relationship with N in awhile and when one of my best friends (MPG) called me to get advice about boy drama , it all became more clear. MPG just started talking to this guy who she really really likes and he really really likes her to. The other night they were supposed to hang out after she got off work. When she called him when she got home, he told her he had actually gone out with some of his guy friends instead. She called me in a panic. What do I do? Do I say "it's fine?"
She kept saying over and over how she didn't want to seem crazy, possessive of psycho. I hate how these are always concerns of ours. Guys really use this crazy girl thing to their advantage.
So, my advice to her was...DO NOT SAY ITS FINE. Being a tad annoyed and saying that its NOT FINE is not crazy. If she showed up at the bar to yell at him crying and screaming, I would say she was crazy. Not letting someone walk all over you = not crazy.
When I was giving her this advice I had a flash back to all the times N ditched me, didn't call me back, or was late. I heard myself saying over and over again (in an obnoxiously cheerful voice)..."it's completely fine!" No problem!!!
BULLSHIT!!!
As soon as I would get off the phone with him, I'd call and bitch to about 20 of my friends, telling them what a douche bag he was. So obviously, it wasn't fine.
I let him walk all over me. I let him get away with things and was FINE with it. So no wonder he kept doing it...
When I talked to T about this, I had one concern. How do you convey the message of it not being fine without being deemed a psycho.
She came up with a really good response. "Oh ok...that sucks I was looking forward to seeing you tonight." Or "I wish you would have told me sooner because all my friends just left to go to dinner" Or just an "OK" would work.
You don't have to be bitchy, but let them know it's NOT FINE. If you keep giving them reinforcement that what they are doing makes you happy and works for you, they are going to keep doing it. Then they are going to wonder why all of a sudden you FREAK OUT (because you know it will happen eventually).
So there you have it. Stand up for yourself and get what you want.
You deserve it,
C
I haven't analyzed the failed relationship with N in awhile and when one of my best friends (MPG) called me to get advice about boy drama , it all became more clear. MPG just started talking to this guy who she really really likes and he really really likes her to. The other night they were supposed to hang out after she got off work. When she called him when she got home, he told her he had actually gone out with some of his guy friends instead. She called me in a panic. What do I do? Do I say "it's fine?"
She kept saying over and over how she didn't want to seem crazy, possessive of psycho. I hate how these are always concerns of ours. Guys really use this crazy girl thing to their advantage.
So, my advice to her was...DO NOT SAY ITS FINE. Being a tad annoyed and saying that its NOT FINE is not crazy. If she showed up at the bar to yell at him crying and screaming, I would say she was crazy. Not letting someone walk all over you = not crazy.
When I was giving her this advice I had a flash back to all the times N ditched me, didn't call me back, or was late. I heard myself saying over and over again (in an obnoxiously cheerful voice)..."it's completely fine!" No problem!!!
BULLSHIT!!!
As soon as I would get off the phone with him, I'd call and bitch to about 20 of my friends, telling them what a douche bag he was. So obviously, it wasn't fine.
I let him walk all over me. I let him get away with things and was FINE with it. So no wonder he kept doing it...
When I talked to T about this, I had one concern. How do you convey the message of it not being fine without being deemed a psycho.
She came up with a really good response. "Oh ok...that sucks I was looking forward to seeing you tonight." Or "I wish you would have told me sooner because all my friends just left to go to dinner" Or just an "OK" would work.
You don't have to be bitchy, but let them know it's NOT FINE. If you keep giving them reinforcement that what they are doing makes you happy and works for you, they are going to keep doing it. Then they are going to wonder why all of a sudden you FREAK OUT (because you know it will happen eventually).
So there you have it. Stand up for yourself and get what you want.
You deserve it,
C
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